Sunday, 11 July 2010

A moment of meaningful thought on life...

I{ve spent the last couple of days trying to figure out why being in such a place, so far away from everything familiar makes me so happy. Logically I should be spending some of my time in these first weeks home sick and adjusting, but instead I seem to have slipped into my new life no trouble at all. There was a moment when I felt far away and alone but that lasted an hour. When I first saw the beach thats when I had really arrived and since then have been completely content with just being. This jungle beach is so different, yet I pass day after day feeling entirely happy, snoozing and studying, animals all around, waves crashing, birds singing, monkeys calling, sloth sleeping. I am content here with just being, my English life a distant and insignificant reality, where I spend my entire life on a mission, I am 'becoming', something. I am preparing, studying, climbing the educational ladder, never entirely happy or satisfied.

I grew up in a remote (to some) country house. Cities were a long drive. My childhood days were filled with catching newts in the river, trying to figure out why only some had orange bellies. A childhood of making dens in the hedgrows and catching sheep when they escaped, always with muddy knees and a pair of wellies, I was a child surrounded by nature and a truely content child. I never had a need or desire to experiement with cigarettes or drugs, the other kids, the town kids did, sort of outkasting me. This didn't bother me, I had no need to win the affection of a load of confused and troubled, drug obsessed teenagers. they're lifes were screwed up. I was one of the fortunate ones, one of the few lucky people in England who was given the freedom of the countryside, free of the screwed up expectations and desires that filled the void and surrounded those who lived in town. It's hardly surprising these kids were lost, led astray in they're own desperate search for peace and true happiness (something they may find by fitting into the trend of drugs), how could they ever achieve this when they never even had the opportunity to hear silence, always a car rushing by or a police siren in the distance. Geographically they had grown up not far from me but the world in which we'd been surrounded by could not have been more far removed, coming together at school I was the one who was content, just being, I knew myself and had no desire in becoming, like they were, their world of constant searching was desperate and seemed, deep down, under all the talk very painful. Me, I was just me.

As childhood passed and life crept in, we moved, now in England we in the centre of town, I now live in the same territory as these kids grew up in. I am a young adult who is constantly becoming, I am studying, for what i don'tyet know. In a year I will be expected, by life to know what the next stage will be - so I can start the next stage in my life of becoming - but what? and why? So i can sit, old and wronkled, looking back at a life of constant searching never of complete satisfaction, so I can say i was manager of this, head of that, i have a big car, house, pay cheque. I am sorry but this is the part where I am going to say this life is a screwed up life - flawed from the very beginning. For anyone who is reading this and has such a life it's not that I don{t respect hugely your achievements (I actually have double respect for you and am currently marvelling at how you{ve achieved said life without going insane - you have my respect) I simply have absolutely no desire what so ever to follow in thise footsteps. Which is exactly what we{re doing in England, following and mimicing, achieving the desires of a previous generation, but why? to satisfy who?

We in England and the western world have surrounded ourselves with the cold and harsh realities of becoming. We have lost touch with our true meaning and satisfaction, our roots in nature, we spend our lives in one big whirlwind rush, running to catch trains, working through the night to meet a deadline or target. Well screw the train, there{ll be another, walk, look around and try to just be. Easier said than done, especially when in town, surrounded by man made structures and concrete, devoid of trees and nature.
If theres one thing I{ve learnt this week while lying under my tree, by English terms, doing not a lot (but that depends from what angle you look at my sun bathing and studying) I have realised that i am intouch with my childhood days. Reconnected with nature, i am surrounded by life, the magnificant colours of the trees, the way the light reflects from the water and sand, the local people, their warmth and happiness. We Brits are a nation of people who are becoming while the Ticos, they are being. they{re living today for today, they will worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. They, unlike the British say hello to one another, go off track, miss their bus so they can see how their friend is today, they have their priorities in the correct order. they are surrounded not only by a jungle that is the lungs to our planet but the life to their world and these people feel so much more alive for existing in such a place. They don{t care for a macho businessman status, for how many cars they drive or houses they own. They are happy and living, and while I am here, so am I. Why would anyone want any different.When you slow down and tune into this place you realise how much people in England are missing in their quest for material status and to become something that will only ever be something as long as the social structures that surround their status remain intact.

Personally I don{t like the life of becoming, I like being, living every moment, feeling every feeling. having a level of clarity and freedom that allows me to notice the awesomeness of my surroundings. All I say is I really hope I never truely get sucked along in the stream of british people striving to be something. Because I am happy, just the way I am.

Now I know some of you will be reading this and thinking "Shit. What's happened to buzz?!" Others will be cross, frustrated that I have just completely demoted everything they{re searching for. However, yes, this is buzz and the very reason i love to travel, because it affords me the freedom, space and time to figure out the flaws in life.

I look back to my last job. It served only one purpose - to fund my next adventure, but those people (except the few I worked alongside in menswear)never understood me. I made a point of never letting the managers know me. The guys and girls of menswear were a team I was a part of and together we giggled but everyone else would never be allowed to know me. I did not want that place to consume me like it did to so many of them (not all of them, but many of them). The shop was their work life, social life, their girl friends and boy friends but take the shop away from them and they become a shadow of the person they were. They had formed their lives around an entirely material world of targets, false light and expectations. That place was the height of screwed up for me and I felt strangled the second I walked through that backdoor, how could I ever really be my true self, how could anyone? i see truely good people in there who i just want to shake and say "why the hell are you doing this to yourself, letting your life pass you by in here?" theres so much out there, so many possibilities, yet they{ve chosen this harsh, backstabbing environment and let it consume them.

It takes a lot of courage to break the mould and sometime breaking it is a really foolish move (in material terms) that will only screw things up further (materialistically) but if you have the courage in the first place you{ve got all you need. Plan A may not work but you have adventure and life as your drug and as long as you can always see the positives in every situation you will never go far wrong.

So this may be a little deep and meaningful, especially for me, but I think it{s important that we, everyone, figures out what they want from life and then for goodness sake, find the courage to follow it. For me, I see a few years of working hard in somewhere like london, earning as much money as possible so i can then invest in the life I want (whatever and wherever that may be). Now there reality kicking in, you{ve got to except you need enough of the material stuff (money) to kick start a free life - just don{t get swept along in something you don{t want, when you have enough, bail out and head for your dreams!!

That{s the wise words of buzz for this decade, thank you very much, good afternoon, I{m going to leave you with the genius words of Pink Floyd that i read in a book yesterday and head off to cook Sunday roast dinner for my Tico family and lie on the beach. ¡Hasta luego amigos - Pura Vida!

Breathe, breathe in the air!
Don't be afraid to care
Leave,but don't leave me
Look around, choose your own ground
For long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be.

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